Owning Our Part-3: The B-Word

It was one of those nights that didn’t feel significant at first. Just a casual outing. Just a beer garden. Just friends.

Ky and I showed up late. The group had already gathered—some familiar faces, a few I hadn’t seen in a while. I spotted Laura first and covered her eyes from behind.

She screamed when she realized it was me, wrapping me in a hug. Gavin was sitting beside her—they were dating now—and I greeted him like I greeted everyone else: warm, casual, like I wasn’t reading too much into it.

We all settled in. At some point, one of the guys at the table asked what I’d been up to lately, and I told them about my upcoming trip to the Grand Canyon-I was flying to Denver in the morning, then driving out to the North Rim with my friend Sage.

Someone else asked what made this section of the Canyon so special, and I lit up.

“It's this super intense hike, and there’s still snow and ice at the top,” I explained, “so we’ll need crampons. Then once we drop below the rim there are sections that require climbing ropes. It's a remote waterfall that shoots out of the base of a 2,000-foot redwall cliff in the Grand Canyon. It’s wild, it's powerful and it's not well known.”

I could see Gavin listening, head tilted slightly—the way he looked when he wasn’t sure what to make of me. Or maybe when he just didn’t want to admit he was impressed.

Eventually, the group began to thin out. People started saying their goodbyes. But Gavin stayed, still sitting there with Ky and me.

Then he turned to Ky and asked, “Why aren’t you going on the trip?”

Ky shrugged. “She didn’t invite me.”

Gavin’s eyes widened and he turned to me and said, “What a bitch.”

It was the second time in as many years he’d called me that. Both times, mostly in jest. Mostly.

I gasped, sucking in my breath with a high pitched “Aaaaaaah.” I jabbed him. He dodged, laughing.

It was harmless. But it was also telling.

Later that night, Ky—who knows me better than most—looked at me and said, “I’ve never seen you react like that to a guy.”

And she was right. I could not remember reacting so strongly, at such a visceral level. I could not remember feeling so electrified.

Because something about him unsettled me. And thrilled me. And made me forget, just for a moment, the version of myself I thought I knew.